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woundinsalt what's up kids [old man carrying a skateboard]
jk hi it's me! bel! im back again with my random musings bc it's sunday and i just got home from work and am too exhausted to think and write BUT i still want to write something so i dont feel unproductive.
if you didn't know, a few weeks back i posted a heejay fic on my ao3 titled 'heavy hearts (weigh us down)'. in all it's 20k glory, i wrote it over the time period of five painstaking weeks with like. ten different people beta reading it because it meant //that// much to me. and because im like. narcissitic and insist on talking about myself or my fics all the time. here you go.
here's the link to the fic if you haven't read it by the way!
okay so.
the conception of the fic
one day, i was doing my little tasks at work when a scene kept replaying over and over again in my head. it was a scene of heeseung coming into iland, greeting an old friend of his who's a particpant on the show. but heeseung isn't a participant, naur. he's debuted without this other person and this is their first meeting after a year of not speaking to each other. the air is tense, thick. you can cut the tension with a knife and it still would be too blunt to completely get through it. the person looks at heeseung and doesn't smile the way everyone else does when they see him at the gate. he just gives a knowing stare, words be damned because no language in the world could encapsulate the tsunami of feelings crashing over him.
YEAH. I KNOWWWWW. i couldn't handle this scene just being in my head so i whipped out my phone and typed it out on my google docs app, walking up and down my workplace kitchen before excusing myself to go to the toilet. yes. the entire intro to heavy hearts was written in a salad shop and a mall toilet.
writing the fic
i didnt intend to write a longfic at all, honestly i just wanted to try writing a heejay fic bc i had JUST gotten into the ship and i also like. adore writing jay so things led to its conception pretty smoothly.
because heejay are literally infamous for the 5yearz of it all, it was hard for me to write a canon divergent fic without talking about their past - which is literally the most important thing about this fic and maybe their dynamic irl too. you cannot do a character study on heejay without talking about the actual five years of it all (ok maybe u can but), so that's exactly what i did. and in this scenario, they can still have a history together even if they were separated by circumstances
i thought ok what if ___ happened instead of _____
in this case, what if heeseung met jay way before bighit, at a time when heeseung didnt even KNOW that he wanted to be an idol. what if jay had slipped himself into heeseung's life so seamlessly before they even meant anything to each other beyond a passing face? what if jay is the one who jolts heeseung awake - the trigger for him to realize that there are people who can do artistic things naturally?? what if heeseung envies jay, in the same way that we know everyone else does to him later as a trainee?
a lot of what if's!!!!! and where else would be a better place for them to meet than a dance studio? a place where irl jay did go to before becoming a bighit trainee? mwehehehee
maybe jay saving heeseung's ass from their teacher is a little ooc, bc we know that jay isnt a ride or die for u unless u mean a lot to him, but i'd like to think that jay would stand up for someone if he knew that same someone was struggling. idk u guys tell me if it was ooc or not.
having jay literally be heeseung's knight in shining armor then completely disappear from his life was something i wanted to do from the start ehheheeh. i wanted heeseung to have this little imprint in his heart, something a stranger put there and he won't forget for a very long time bc as hee put it in the fic, 'i've never had anyone defend me like that before -- and you didn't even know me'
ofc everything else after this is pretty much similar to canon - jay meeting heeseung at bighit, getting along well, etc etc. ok maybe 10% of it was parallel to real life but i'd like to think heejay helped each other out during their trainee years and jay had an intense admiration for heeseung. who am i kidding ofc jongseong did. he's right above sim jaeyun in the 'lee heeseung lovers list'
also!! here's a fun fact. forgot where they said it but txt mentioned once that a convenience store near the old bighit office used to sell these strawberry cream sandwiches and they swore it was like the most heavenly thing ever. so heavenly that they would all run to get it at 2am in the morning bc that's when it's freshly stocked up. INSANEEE i always loved this little tmi so why not put it in this fic? now that u know that snack was in high demand, maybe you guys would go a little bit more crazy about the fact that heeseung went out in the cold to go and get that precious sandwich that he knew other kids at bighit would try to get. all that for a boy who saved his ass ONCE.
the bighit vs sm vibes thing was really just an observation from me. even tho jay mentioned that it was a lot less cut throat, i actually dont agree w that sentiment now bc like. ok yeah there's less people in bighit, but doesnt that mean it's a lot more tougher too? you cant show any sign of weaknesses bc you wont be skimmed over. they probably pay close attention to everyone so you have to be GOOD good to even be considered for debut. idk if what im saying is making sense but yeah.
THE PROMISE TO DEBUT TOGETHER.... under the led lights of a convenience store and cream on heeseung's lips, the two promise to debut together because they're both young and naive and desparate and already attached to each other. the promise that we all know heeseung didn't keep :)
(and if u promise jongseong something... he's not going to let it go very easily. cant say the same about heeseung!)
THE VOCAL TEST SCENE.... #6 PARK JONGSEONG.............. ALL BC HE SANG A SONG THAT MEANT SOMETHING TO HIM. the emotions did more for him than his practice sessions with heeseung. bc at the end of the day, doing something that means something to u with all ur sincerity................. YEAHHHHHHH this is one of my fav scenes from this fic. just the simplicity of it all. how something so complicated and challenging for jay was rewarded when he was being HONESTTTT AND EMOTIONALLLL
the mcdonald's scene.... i think we all know about irl heeseung's 'i was too upset to properly congratulate txt on their debut' confession during iland ep1 and god. that alone makes me so sad. so ofc i had to write about it. i feel like heeseung would have denied himself the validity of his own feelings bc he's friends w txt and like. in hindsight he would've realized that he looked like a complete ass for being upset. but park jongseong is here to remind him that hes not a bad person for feeling normal things and he should let himself feel it. also this is the first time jongseong touches him and i think his gaywakening probably started here. ali said he liked this scene's dialogue (??) was it but it's actually the one thing i'd change in this scene. i'd change it to sound more natural, but idk!
when u end a paragraph with a reminder of the promise to debut together and then u hit ur audience with the 'oh yeah heeseung you're gonna debut solo' plot line again. evil laugh. that's all i'll say. everything goes downhill from here.
'what about jongseong?' yeahhh heeseung. what about jay hm.
THE STUDIO SCENE. SO HARD TO WRITE. i love writing scenes where characters fall in love during mundane situations, and this is one of them. sitting in a studio recording a cover together bc u r both idol trainees and for some reason u cant stop thinking about ur friend in front of u. nothing is rational in ur head and ur brain is computing three million thoughts about the same person at once. crazy yeah id kiss jongseong too. AND THE CONFESSION OF DEBUTING ALONE. SMILES. I FELT SO POWERFUL FOR THIS ONE. and heeseung isnt good with words, but jongseong gets it anyways.
and because jay knows he has no REAL reason to be upset, he doesn't. (at least on the outside.)
skipped through writing their actual relationship developments because. well. they werent more than best friends in love with each other who kiss and cuddle sometimes. they didnt have it figured out so i wasn't gonna figure it out for them! (also the relationship in itself wasnt the main point of this fic. if u know what i mean.)
debut preparations... the realisms of how busy_idol_to_be life is like im sure. jay saying that hes ok with heeseung missing vday even tho he isnt. not telling heeseung he's upset because he doesnt want to be unfair towards heeseung. heeseung being upset that jay doesnt seem to mind etc etc etc.
AND THEN. THE MANAGER HYUNG LOCKSCREEN SCENE MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
NOW THIS is my fav thing aboutt his entire fic purely bc of how real it is. let me mansplain some idol trainee knowledge to u guys okay idk if you know this but trainees are taught different etiquettes that they should practice once they debut. there's like a running joke that sm trainees all stand in the same way, with their hands joint in front of them right? so this is kinda the same thing - except that i heard this on a dive studios podcast done by bm of kard. he mentioned that the staff of a company can't always be 100% trusted either bc like. some of the times dating rumours or scandals come out, it's instigated by a staff member you least expect. (like a hairstylist looking over ur shoulder as u text) so he advised idols to be really careful with their phones whenever they're around staff members. i was also watching this idol content i forgot who it was but!! they had their phone screen facing up on the table and when they noticed, they went 'O' and immediately flipped it down. YEAH. YEAHHHHHH that's when the idea started rolling.
i also needed someone or something to be the trigger for the break up. the build up from the past few weeks wasnt enough imo and i needed somene to give heeseung the final push. that + the homphobic comments from the naver forum post was just enough to tip heeseung to his breaking point.
btw i like. debated adding in the homophobic comments scene because i didnt know if i would turn people off with that. in fics usually, i think a lot of readers are very oppossed to homophobia in general?? in a 'we already deal with this in the real world, do we have to keep stumbling upon this in fucking fanfiction' kind of way. and YES actually. okay we don't NEED to, but i was writing a story based in our current world that we're living in. sometimes things like this do happen and it'd be ignorant of me to act like they don't exist. because homophobia very real and very happening. the comments i wrote in this fic were actually taken from a real pann post about gidle members kissing each other on the cheek. so not much of it was exaggerated really. anyway for me, it fit the story and had a purpose so i dont think i sensationalized it or anything
the actual breakup scene wasnt so hard to write at all because once i had everything in place, the words just flowed. and the way heeseung just gave up on them already. and the way jongseong notices that and how it breaks him more than anything else.................. YEAH.
also. jongseong blocking heeseung's contact was so much fun to write. bc here is his stupid cute contact name all like 'turning point ^-^ hehe' and the next thing jay does is BLOCK HIM. king shit go my baby go
heeseung debuts etc etc by the way!! the song heeseung debuts with?? i imagined it to be anywhere by june. the song gives heeseung vibes idk okay
jay confiding in sunghoon, who is his #bestie but we learn there's a lot more to that in my sunghoon fic. evil laugh. i feel like the final night of iland was the perfect time to have jay trauma dump on someone (culmination of all events during iland + stress + anxiety for the final) and how simply jay thought of the entire ordeal. "i wouldn't have given up so easily" YEAHHH it's all about the fight? the want? for jay
enhypen debuts as six and jay feels like something is missing, like there's one integral piece of the puzzle and it's snatched away from him before he can even realize what it is.
(also, i dont think enha would've done as well as they have if heeseung wasn't a part of their group. they needed an ace and heeseung is the ace. it's hard to imagine the group without him.)
jay as the mathyung............. brainrot. we can already see how he takes care of a lot of the members just as the second oldest. BUT PUT THE RESPONSIBILITY IF MATHYUNGISMS on pjs and he'd take it so damn seriously, especially since yjw is the leader. and as the mathyung, he probably feels like he has to be the one that everyone depends on, so talking about something that's bothering him isnt really the right way to go according to him. my boy runs away to the convenience store he used to love so much and SURPRISE SURPRISE. guess who is already there all this while? who knows? has lee heeseung always been hanging out there to reminiscelsfksdf (idk how to spell the word and im tired ok) about someone that he's lost in favour of an idol life? maybe
THIS WAS THE HARDEST SCENE FOR ME TO WRITE.POINT BLANK PERIOD. spend a lot of time just thinking about it and i kept. deleting and rewriting what i had. how do you make two ex lovers reconcile when shit ended so badly with no closure?????? there's only one answer for this - desperation. the desperation from heeseung to make things right again. the desperation from jay to stop being mad at heeseung bc it genuinely exhausts him. the scene came together just from these two thoughts alone so here we are hehe
(and bc jay doesnt hold grudges [allegedly], he lets go and starts over with heeseung)
FROM HERE ON.. ITS JUST A LOT OF FLUFF AND A LOT OF getting to know someone again and realizing that they've changed even in the smallest ways. how heeseung is still shy when he gets compliments but he doesnt deny himself of them anymore. how heeseung remembers that jay drinks his tea with honey. u know just the little things. and the christmas break meet up SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE i wanted them to be alone and together again, just them falling back into the way they used to be and what better way to show that than them just. hanging out the way they used to and just talking. YEAHHHHHHHHHH and the hug. evil smile. park_jay malfunctioned and just. hugged him teehee
AND THEN WE CIRCLE BACK TO THE STUDIOS. THE PLACE THEY HAD THEIR FIRST KISS. I MEAN come on it's only appropos to have them kiss again at a studio, a place so precious to the both of them. heeseung telling jay first that he loves him???? me thinks so! lee_heeseung may be like allergic to sincerity when it comes to jay, but when he's taken away from his life for that long, im sure heeseung realizes that he can't be hesitant about shit like this anymore. if jay disappears from his life again, he's going to regret this again. SO HE SAYS IT. i also think there's something very powerful about the last scene and how heeseung says 'i know' to jay's ily.
im gonna credit this entire scene to ao3 user hilled bc em was the one who suggested this to me, to have a final scene where this exact scene plays out. and my god does it tie up the whole story very cutely and well. BECAUSE YES. HEESEUNG KNOWS JAY LOVES HIM. so forget all the ex cashiers at knockoff 711 stores and forget homophobic netizens and forget nosy managers. at the very core of it all, they love each other and that's all that matters. they'll think of everything else when the time comes.
final thots
this fic was a bitch to write and it just kept getting longer and longer. but this fic is also the fic im the proudest of!! because it was my first time writing in present tense and it was just so. so good. like objectively im sorry if it makes me sound self centred but like it is what it is. this fic is good because i took the time and patience to write it, gave it a lot of love and care. idk if i'll ever write anything as good as this ever again - but i have this fic with me now and i think that is enough for me.
em talks about how they like this fic a lot and i think just that is also so [meaningful choking]
anyways. might do a fic commentary on the sunghoon fic sequel thingy majig i did as a two parter to this fic. i've also thought about writing a jake character study in this universe, but it'll take place after the disbandment of enha. thoughts? should i do it after my wip and 4 comms? cries. also i wanted to try jakewon for some reason but idk ill think about it more first!
okie thank you for reading this if you made it this far. ily stay safe and have a good day wherever you are!!!!!!!!!!!!! ill see you when i see you hehehe peace out a town
[gif of jungwon doing something cute but i can't be bothered to deal w dw and adding images so]
jk hi it's me! bel! im back again with my random musings bc it's sunday and i just got home from work and am too exhausted to think and write BUT i still want to write something so i dont feel unproductive.
if you didn't know, a few weeks back i posted a heejay fic on my ao3 titled 'heavy hearts (weigh us down)'. in all it's 20k glory, i wrote it over the time period of five painstaking weeks with like. ten different people beta reading it because it meant //that// much to me. and because im like. narcissitic and insist on talking about myself or my fics all the time. here you go.
here's the link to the fic if you haven't read it by the way!
okay so.
the conception of the fic
one day, i was doing my little tasks at work when a scene kept replaying over and over again in my head. it was a scene of heeseung coming into iland, greeting an old friend of his who's a particpant on the show. but heeseung isn't a participant, naur. he's debuted without this other person and this is their first meeting after a year of not speaking to each other. the air is tense, thick. you can cut the tension with a knife and it still would be too blunt to completely get through it. the person looks at heeseung and doesn't smile the way everyone else does when they see him at the gate. he just gives a knowing stare, words be damned because no language in the world could encapsulate the tsunami of feelings crashing over him.
YEAH. I KNOWWWWW. i couldn't handle this scene just being in my head so i whipped out my phone and typed it out on my google docs app, walking up and down my workplace kitchen before excusing myself to go to the toilet. yes. the entire intro to heavy hearts was written in a salad shop and a mall toilet.
writing the fic
i didnt intend to write a longfic at all, honestly i just wanted to try writing a heejay fic bc i had JUST gotten into the ship and i also like. adore writing jay so things led to its conception pretty smoothly.
because heejay are literally infamous for the 5yearz of it all, it was hard for me to write a canon divergent fic without talking about their past - which is literally the most important thing about this fic and maybe their dynamic irl too. you cannot do a character study on heejay without talking about the actual five years of it all (ok maybe u can but), so that's exactly what i did. and in this scenario, they can still have a history together even if they were separated by circumstances
i thought ok what if ___ happened instead of _____
in this case, what if heeseung met jay way before bighit, at a time when heeseung didnt even KNOW that he wanted to be an idol. what if jay had slipped himself into heeseung's life so seamlessly before they even meant anything to each other beyond a passing face? what if jay is the one who jolts heeseung awake - the trigger for him to realize that there are people who can do artistic things naturally?? what if heeseung envies jay, in the same way that we know everyone else does to him later as a trainee?
a lot of what if's!!!!! and where else would be a better place for them to meet than a dance studio? a place where irl jay did go to before becoming a bighit trainee? mwehehehee
maybe jay saving heeseung's ass from their teacher is a little ooc, bc we know that jay isnt a ride or die for u unless u mean a lot to him, but i'd like to think that jay would stand up for someone if he knew that same someone was struggling. idk u guys tell me if it was ooc or not.
having jay literally be heeseung's knight in shining armor then completely disappear from his life was something i wanted to do from the start ehheheeh. i wanted heeseung to have this little imprint in his heart, something a stranger put there and he won't forget for a very long time bc as hee put it in the fic, 'i've never had anyone defend me like that before -- and you didn't even know me'
ofc everything else after this is pretty much similar to canon - jay meeting heeseung at bighit, getting along well, etc etc. ok maybe 10% of it was parallel to real life but i'd like to think heejay helped each other out during their trainee years and jay had an intense admiration for heeseung. who am i kidding ofc jongseong did. he's right above sim jaeyun in the 'lee heeseung lovers list'
also!! here's a fun fact. forgot where they said it but txt mentioned once that a convenience store near the old bighit office used to sell these strawberry cream sandwiches and they swore it was like the most heavenly thing ever. so heavenly that they would all run to get it at 2am in the morning bc that's when it's freshly stocked up. INSANEEE i always loved this little tmi so why not put it in this fic? now that u know that snack was in high demand, maybe you guys would go a little bit more crazy about the fact that heeseung went out in the cold to go and get that precious sandwich that he knew other kids at bighit would try to get. all that for a boy who saved his ass ONCE.
the bighit vs sm vibes thing was really just an observation from me. even tho jay mentioned that it was a lot less cut throat, i actually dont agree w that sentiment now bc like. ok yeah there's less people in bighit, but doesnt that mean it's a lot more tougher too? you cant show any sign of weaknesses bc you wont be skimmed over. they probably pay close attention to everyone so you have to be GOOD good to even be considered for debut. idk if what im saying is making sense but yeah.
THE PROMISE TO DEBUT TOGETHER.... under the led lights of a convenience store and cream on heeseung's lips, the two promise to debut together because they're both young and naive and desparate and already attached to each other. the promise that we all know heeseung didn't keep :)
(and if u promise jongseong something... he's not going to let it go very easily. cant say the same about heeseung!)
THE VOCAL TEST SCENE.... #6 PARK JONGSEONG.............. ALL BC HE SANG A SONG THAT MEANT SOMETHING TO HIM. the emotions did more for him than his practice sessions with heeseung. bc at the end of the day, doing something that means something to u with all ur sincerity................. YEAHHHHHHH this is one of my fav scenes from this fic. just the simplicity of it all. how something so complicated and challenging for jay was rewarded when he was being HONESTTTT AND EMOTIONALLLL
the mcdonald's scene.... i think we all know about irl heeseung's 'i was too upset to properly congratulate txt on their debut' confession during iland ep1 and god. that alone makes me so sad. so ofc i had to write about it. i feel like heeseung would have denied himself the validity of his own feelings bc he's friends w txt and like. in hindsight he would've realized that he looked like a complete ass for being upset. but park jongseong is here to remind him that hes not a bad person for feeling normal things and he should let himself feel it. also this is the first time jongseong touches him and i think his gaywakening probably started here. ali said he liked this scene's dialogue (??) was it but it's actually the one thing i'd change in this scene. i'd change it to sound more natural, but idk!
when u end a paragraph with a reminder of the promise to debut together and then u hit ur audience with the 'oh yeah heeseung you're gonna debut solo' plot line again. evil laugh. that's all i'll say. everything goes downhill from here.
'what about jongseong?' yeahhh heeseung. what about jay hm.
THE STUDIO SCENE. SO HARD TO WRITE. i love writing scenes where characters fall in love during mundane situations, and this is one of them. sitting in a studio recording a cover together bc u r both idol trainees and for some reason u cant stop thinking about ur friend in front of u. nothing is rational in ur head and ur brain is computing three million thoughts about the same person at once. crazy yeah id kiss jongseong too. AND THE CONFESSION OF DEBUTING ALONE. SMILES. I FELT SO POWERFUL FOR THIS ONE. and heeseung isnt good with words, but jongseong gets it anyways.
and because jay knows he has no REAL reason to be upset, he doesn't. (at least on the outside.)
skipped through writing their actual relationship developments because. well. they werent more than best friends in love with each other who kiss and cuddle sometimes. they didnt have it figured out so i wasn't gonna figure it out for them! (also the relationship in itself wasnt the main point of this fic. if u know what i mean.)
debut preparations... the realisms of how busy_idol_to_be life is like im sure. jay saying that hes ok with heeseung missing vday even tho he isnt. not telling heeseung he's upset because he doesnt want to be unfair towards heeseung. heeseung being upset that jay doesnt seem to mind etc etc etc.
AND THEN. THE MANAGER HYUNG LOCKSCREEN SCENE MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
NOW THIS is my fav thing aboutt his entire fic purely bc of how real it is. let me mansplain some idol trainee knowledge to u guys okay idk if you know this but trainees are taught different etiquettes that they should practice once they debut. there's like a running joke that sm trainees all stand in the same way, with their hands joint in front of them right? so this is kinda the same thing - except that i heard this on a dive studios podcast done by bm of kard. he mentioned that the staff of a company can't always be 100% trusted either bc like. some of the times dating rumours or scandals come out, it's instigated by a staff member you least expect. (like a hairstylist looking over ur shoulder as u text) so he advised idols to be really careful with their phones whenever they're around staff members. i was also watching this idol content i forgot who it was but!! they had their phone screen facing up on the table and when they noticed, they went 'O' and immediately flipped it down. YEAH. YEAHHHHHH that's when the idea started rolling.
i also needed someone or something to be the trigger for the break up. the build up from the past few weeks wasnt enough imo and i needed somene to give heeseung the final push. that + the homphobic comments from the naver forum post was just enough to tip heeseung to his breaking point.
btw i like. debated adding in the homophobic comments scene because i didnt know if i would turn people off with that. in fics usually, i think a lot of readers are very oppossed to homophobia in general?? in a 'we already deal with this in the real world, do we have to keep stumbling upon this in fucking fanfiction' kind of way. and YES actually. okay we don't NEED to, but i was writing a story based in our current world that we're living in. sometimes things like this do happen and it'd be ignorant of me to act like they don't exist. because homophobia very real and very happening. the comments i wrote in this fic were actually taken from a real pann post about gidle members kissing each other on the cheek. so not much of it was exaggerated really. anyway for me, it fit the story and had a purpose so i dont think i sensationalized it or anything
the actual breakup scene wasnt so hard to write at all because once i had everything in place, the words just flowed. and the way heeseung just gave up on them already. and the way jongseong notices that and how it breaks him more than anything else.................. YEAH.
also. jongseong blocking heeseung's contact was so much fun to write. bc here is his stupid cute contact name all like 'turning point ^-^ hehe' and the next thing jay does is BLOCK HIM. king shit go my baby go
heeseung debuts etc etc by the way!! the song heeseung debuts with?? i imagined it to be anywhere by june. the song gives heeseung vibes idk okay
jay confiding in sunghoon, who is his #bestie but we learn there's a lot more to that in my sunghoon fic. evil laugh. i feel like the final night of iland was the perfect time to have jay trauma dump on someone (culmination of all events during iland + stress + anxiety for the final) and how simply jay thought of the entire ordeal. "i wouldn't have given up so easily" YEAHHH it's all about the fight? the want? for jay
enhypen debuts as six and jay feels like something is missing, like there's one integral piece of the puzzle and it's snatched away from him before he can even realize what it is.
(also, i dont think enha would've done as well as they have if heeseung wasn't a part of their group. they needed an ace and heeseung is the ace. it's hard to imagine the group without him.)
jay as the mathyung............. brainrot. we can already see how he takes care of a lot of the members just as the second oldest. BUT PUT THE RESPONSIBILITY IF MATHYUNGISMS on pjs and he'd take it so damn seriously, especially since yjw is the leader. and as the mathyung, he probably feels like he has to be the one that everyone depends on, so talking about something that's bothering him isnt really the right way to go according to him. my boy runs away to the convenience store he used to love so much and SURPRISE SURPRISE. guess who is already there all this while? who knows? has lee heeseung always been hanging out there to reminiscelsfksdf (idk how to spell the word and im tired ok) about someone that he's lost in favour of an idol life? maybe
THIS WAS THE HARDEST SCENE FOR ME TO WRITE.POINT BLANK PERIOD. spend a lot of time just thinking about it and i kept. deleting and rewriting what i had. how do you make two ex lovers reconcile when shit ended so badly with no closure?????? there's only one answer for this - desperation. the desperation from heeseung to make things right again. the desperation from jay to stop being mad at heeseung bc it genuinely exhausts him. the scene came together just from these two thoughts alone so here we are hehe
(and bc jay doesnt hold grudges [allegedly], he lets go and starts over with heeseung)
FROM HERE ON.. ITS JUST A LOT OF FLUFF AND A LOT OF getting to know someone again and realizing that they've changed even in the smallest ways. how heeseung is still shy when he gets compliments but he doesnt deny himself of them anymore. how heeseung remembers that jay drinks his tea with honey. u know just the little things. and the christmas break meet up SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE i wanted them to be alone and together again, just them falling back into the way they used to be and what better way to show that than them just. hanging out the way they used to and just talking. YEAHHHHHHHHHH and the hug. evil smile. park_jay malfunctioned and just. hugged him teehee
AND THEN WE CIRCLE BACK TO THE STUDIOS. THE PLACE THEY HAD THEIR FIRST KISS. I MEAN come on it's only appropos to have them kiss again at a studio, a place so precious to the both of them. heeseung telling jay first that he loves him???? me thinks so! lee_heeseung may be like allergic to sincerity when it comes to jay, but when he's taken away from his life for that long, im sure heeseung realizes that he can't be hesitant about shit like this anymore. if jay disappears from his life again, he's going to regret this again. SO HE SAYS IT. i also think there's something very powerful about the last scene and how heeseung says 'i know' to jay's ily.
im gonna credit this entire scene to ao3 user hilled bc em was the one who suggested this to me, to have a final scene where this exact scene plays out. and my god does it tie up the whole story very cutely and well. BECAUSE YES. HEESEUNG KNOWS JAY LOVES HIM. so forget all the ex cashiers at knockoff 711 stores and forget homophobic netizens and forget nosy managers. at the very core of it all, they love each other and that's all that matters. they'll think of everything else when the time comes.
final thots
this fic was a bitch to write and it just kept getting longer and longer. but this fic is also the fic im the proudest of!! because it was my first time writing in present tense and it was just so. so good. like objectively im sorry if it makes me sound self centred but like it is what it is. this fic is good because i took the time and patience to write it, gave it a lot of love and care. idk if i'll ever write anything as good as this ever again - but i have this fic with me now and i think that is enough for me.
em talks about how they like this fic a lot and i think just that is also so [meaningful choking]
anyways. might do a fic commentary on the sunghoon fic sequel thingy majig i did as a two parter to this fic. i've also thought about writing a jake character study in this universe, but it'll take place after the disbandment of enha. thoughts? should i do it after my wip and 4 comms? cries. also i wanted to try jakewon for some reason but idk ill think about it more first!
okie thank you for reading this if you made it this far. ily stay safe and have a good day wherever you are!!!!!!!!!!!!! ill see you when i see you hehehe peace out a town
[gif of jungwon doing something cute but i can't be bothered to deal w dw and adding images so]
